Jokes

Two women hit the town for a girls night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic and became quite intoxicated. Whilst walking home, they needed to pee...so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She happened to have squatted down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear end that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

What's the difference between a rookie and a cockroach? One is an annoying little creature that you can never get rid of, the other's a bug.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the fire chief got off work. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about the situation. He finally decided that he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. This made him feel much better and, sure enough, after awhile a snow plow came and he followed it. As he followed the snow plow he was feeling very smug and happy.

After quite some time had passed, he was surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out, came back to the car, and signaled him to roll down his window.

The snow plow driver asked: "You alright Chief?" "You've been following me for a long time."

The chief said: "I'm fine. I decided to follow you through this blizzard so that I wouldn't get caught in a snow drift."

The snow plow driver replied: "OK Chief, you can follow me if you want, but it could take a long time. When I'm done with the Fire Department parking lot, then I have to do the school lot too."

A group of firefighters and cops got together to charter a double-decker bus to go to the casino for the weekend. The firefighters sat on the bottom deck and the cops on top. The firefighters were whooping it up when one of them realized he doesn't hear anything from the cops.

Upon going upstairs, he finds all the cops are clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles and they're scared to death. "What the heck is goin' on? We're downstairs havin' a grand old time."

One of the cops looks up, his eyes wide with fright. "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

The King of Norway was visiting Disneyland with his young son. The son seemed to be having a good time, but had that look that something else was on his mind. The king asked, "What do you really want, son?" The son said, "A Mickey Mouse outfit."

With that, the king went out and bought him a uniform from the local fire department.

You know you're a volunteer when:

• You've woken up thinking your pager went off and as you look at it...it does.
• You lay out your clothes from that day so if there's a call at night you can find them quickly.
• You carry enough stuff in your car to extinguish a minor blaze.
• The microwave goes off and you're already out of the house thinking it was your pager.
• Your family has learned to take cover when they hear the pager go off for fear of being run over.
• You leave a full cart of groceries in the checkout line of the grocery store to go to a fire.
• You complain about all the calls you are getting, but secretly wish there were more!
• You buy a minivan or SUV just so that you have enough room in your car for all your gear.

Assistant Chief Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw firefighter Duncan mopping the floors and asked him, "Hey rookie, do you have change for a dollar?"

The firefighter replied, "Sure."

The assistant chief gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Firefighter, do you have change for a dollar?"

The young firefighter replied, "NO, SIR!" and continued mopping.

A New York fellow, while traveling through a small town in Georgia, saw a nativity scene at a local Baptist church that was quite unique. The three wise men were wearing fireman helmets! He stopped at a coffee shop at the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You dang Yankees never do read the Bible!"

He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter, ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said "See, it says right here: The three wise men came from afar."

There were these three Casselton firemen who always went bird hunting together and they always rented a hunting dog named Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would always hold point and would find as many birds as they could shoot. One year they didn't go hunting and the farmer rented Rex out to some Wheatland firemen who used him that season.

The next year the Casselton firemen went to rent Rex, but the farmer had bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any good for hunting and he didn't have a replacement for him and to tell the Wheatland firemen they were not welcome anymore and that if he saw them he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex.

The Casselton firemen asked the farmer what the Wheatland boys did that could be so bad. "Well", the farmer said, "Last year when they rented Rex it all started off fine...until one of the guys decided to rename him."

"Well, what's wrong with that?", they asked. The farmer said, "They renamed him 'Chief' and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark all the time."

Three blondes were stuck on an island and wanted to get to land. A little fairy appeared and asked the first blonde, "If you had one wish, what would it be?" The blonde said, "I wish I was smart."

POOF! The blonde's hair turned red and she swam off the island.

The fairy went to the second blonde and asked, "If you had one wish, what would it be?" The blonde said, "I wish I was smarter than the other blonde."

POOF! Her hair turned brunette and she built a ship and sailed off the island.

The fairy then went to the last blonde and asked, "If you had one wish, what would it be?" The blonde then said, "I wish I was smarter than the other two blondes."

POOF! The blonde turned into a firefighter and she walked across the bridge.

A firefighter died and went to hell. As he's walking around, he notices a wall completely full of clocks. After looking at these clocks, he notices that each clock has a friend's name on it, so he asks the devil, "What's the deal with all the clocks?"

"That's easy, each time one of your friends messes up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.

"I don't see the Chief's clock anywhere" the fireman says.

The devil replied, "Oh, him, we have his down in the basement.....we're using it for a fan."